Last week I tried a Tzeruf – letter permutation – exercise using the ADONAI name of the Divine. The exercise is quite simple - it just iterates through every combination of the letters Aleph & Dalet and then Nun and Yud.
Each letter has 5 vowels and each letter pair thus has 25 permutations. Then factor in doing the letters in the reverse order, i.e. Dalet & Aleph and Yud & Nun. This makes a total of 100 letter & vowel permutations.
This might sound like a lot to remember but I practised it by going speedily through the combinations without doing deep “vase”-like breathing to make sure that the combination order was correct. After awhile, doing it at speed even the letter & vowel combinations sounded musical.
So I was reasonably confident that I would get the pronunciation right and hence set aside plenty of time to work through the meditation. Unfortunately as any project manager will tell you, no plan ever executes quite as expected.
It was during the 3rd part of the meditation, going through Nun & Yud that I felt someone pull my shoulder from behind. It was not a gentle tug. If I weighed any less it probably would have spun me around out of the chair and on to the floor. The only other thing I was aware of was that the arm of the thing pulling me was rather thin, the kind of thinness you see with super-models and people who have died from starvation.
I carried on the meditation, somewhat shaken and not sure what to expect next. It was at the start of the fourth and final section of the meditation that the figure behind me - who I would only really describe as a young woman with a loose lip who was either recently dead or within arm’s reach of death door – leaned around my shoulder and kissed me.
It was not an unpleasant kiss as kisses go. Somewhere in between a kiss “hello” and “I need to pass on something to you and the only way to get your attention is to kiss you.”
At that point I stopped the meditation. I briefly considered looking in to my project management risk log for golem building to check if there were any entries about being kissed by zombie girls. But I knew without bothering to open the risk log that such an occurrence had not been foreseen or contingency planned for.
Instead I sat in silence for awhile and went to bed with visions of the dead pressing in on my minds eye. For the remainder of last week I was rather ill. Not a life-threatening illness, but an unpleasant “I don’t feel quite right or even aligned with my body” kind of illness.
I have no idea what to make of the experience. Maybe next time it will make more sense. Maybe next time doing this particular meditation - I’ll meditate with a circle of salt around me.